“The Core Question of Your Life (and Those You Lead)”

As I reflect on the last eight months of leadership development since publishing Make the World More Awesome, I’ve been watching leaders and development coaches closely—looking for the weak spots or limiting factors in the development cycle. That curious, observational approach has pulled me deeper into the world of identity, purpose, and calling. 

For the last 25 years, I’ve worked in career fields that are deeply wrapped up with “calling.” Yesterday my oldest son did a ride-along with a police officer who has been my friend since fourth grade and was the best man in my wedding. It was a strange feeling to know my son was out protecting and serving alongside someone I’ve known nearly my whole life. 

When he got home, I asked how it went. His reply: “Awesome… I’m destined to be a police officer. I know it’s my calling. I loved it.” 

Not accounting

There was a part of me that hoped he’d say, “I hated it and now want to be an accountant.” But it was very cool to see his genuine excitement—and his at-least-believed certainty that, at 18, he knows exactly what he wants to do. 

I don’t yet know how certain I am about his “calling,” but I do look forward to using him as a research subject. 

Erik Erikson is considered one of the founding fathers of identity development research. He breaks identity development into eight stages and argues that unresolved challenges in earlier stages can undermine identity later in life. His eight stages and the core questions they ask are: 

1. Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy)
Roughly birth to 1 year. 
Core question: “Can I trust the world?”
Consistent, reliable care builds basic trust and the virtue of hope. 

2. Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddlerhood)
About 1–3 years. 
Core question: “Is it okay to be me?”
Toddlers push for independence; healthy support fosters will and autonomy. 

3. Initiative vs. Guilt (Early Childhood)
About 3–5/6 years. 
Core question: “Is it okay for me to do, move, and act?”
Children initiate activities, lead in play, and imagine future roles; healthy resolution builds purpose. 

4. Industry vs. Inferiority (School Age)
About 6–11/12 years. 
Core question: “Can I make it in the world of people and things?”
The focus is on school, skills, and competence; success leads to industry/competence, while repeated failure can foster inferiority. 

5. Identity vs. Role Confusion (Adolescence)
About 12–18/19 years. 
Core question: “Who am I and who can I be?”
This is central to identity development: exploring values, beliefs, and roles (including work, gender, worldview) and forming a coherent self. Healthy resolution yields fidelity—a stable sense of self and the ability to commit. 

6. Intimacy vs. Isolation (Young Adulthood)
Roughly late teens/20s through 30s. 
Core question: “Can I love and be loved—can I unite with another without losing myself?”
The focus is on forming close, committed relationships; healthy resolution leads to love. 

7. Generativity vs. Stagnation (Middle Adulthood)
Roughly 40–65 years. 
Core question: “Can I make my life count beyond myself?”
This shows up in work, parenting, mentoring, and contributing to the next generation. Healthy resolution yields care and a sense of productivity and legacy. 

8. Integrity vs. Despair (Late Adulthood)
About 65+ years. 
Core question: “Was it okay to have been me?”
Older adults reflect on their lives; accepting one’s story leads to wisdom and integrity, while regret and bitterness can produce despair. 

Erikson’s work makes a lot of sense, and in my experience, I can see those first six stages in the lives of the people I’ve fathered, served, and led. When I look in the mirror and read the seventh stage, I can see why I’ve invested thousands of hours reading, researching, and writing these last few years: I want everything God has given me—and all the crazy experiences I’ve had—to count beyond myself. 

God has given me experiences worth sharing

As leaders, I’m learning that it’s not enough to help people perform; we have to help them really see who they are as part of the process of learning and mastering their purpose and fully living their calling. 

So, how are you answering the core question of your life right now—and how are you helping those you lead answer theirs? 

Maehler, D. B., & Hernández-Torrano, D. (2025). Identity development research: a systematic review of reviews. Self and Identity, 1–36. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2025.2549770